Look Mom, Part 18-- Letting Go

Meeting with a Medium

February 21, 2021

(This is our first meeting; she knows nothing about me except that my son died and his name. Ann is not her real name)

Ann: Hunter communicates rapidly. He needs you to know that he's with you in the darkness of the morning. There's something about the darkness of the morning. Are you up awfully early?

Me: Yes! I write every morning at five a.m.

Ann: He says the darkness of the morning is a potent time, and it’s easy for him—not like he's absent other times, but it's easy access for him, and he loves, LOVES that time with you . . . it feels precious.

He says that he's so very, very sorry. There was no intention or plan to leave his body, no intention at all around that, and yet he holds responsibility, and not just in this specific moment, but there was an overarching way that he lived his life. He had been vacillating. He struggled with these two parts of who he was. He has this deep, deep presence, knowing, and connectedness. He’s incredibly beautiful, yet he struggled with the other part of him that couldn't sort out how to work with himself. He would get trapped in his own thoughts, and it's important to know that even though there wasn't an intention to leave his body in the moment it happened, there's something in this that's uncertain—there were moments he wanted to be in life and others when he would slip back into his inner struggles. He is so sorry for hurting you. He's showing me that there was some deception and he's sorry for not being straight up, for the difficulty, for all the difficulty. He's aware that he hurt many people, which he never wanted to do. He knows he hurt you and that deception was involved, not just in this moment but in others—there were other deceptions, and he's sorry. There's something about you picking up on his energy when he's around—not just that you pick up on him, but also it's fun and adventurous. I can't quite get what he's saying. There's some sort of documentation happening? There’s a vibration when he's around. He's not letting me go, so I know this is important—have there been moments since he passed where you feel something like a vibration?

Me: It definitely felt like he was playing Cards Against Humanity with us the other night!

Ann: He wants you to keep trying to sense his energy.

Me: I have been doing automatic writing.

Ann: YES! Yes, keep going with that. What you are getting is accurate. You are finding each other there, plus there is a physical vibration that he's not always able to project into the room. He's talking about this vibration, a very real energy in the room that shifts, and he's trying to partner with you and amplify that. There's an auditory sound that he's trying to merge with more. It's a game to him. I can't quite get what he's saying—he says, vibrating and cording. He wants you to have more experience of toning. There's something about tone, like an instrument near the body, resonating. Music keeps coming up—listening to it, yes, but creating it, making it. You've got to SING! He's so strong with this—my words don't do it justice as to how strongly he is saying this. YES! It's so beautifully strong. You can begin small, even with humming if you like, or something tonal, but let it come with the vibration. He is so encouraging with tone and vibration. There's something important about this, and it feeds into the automatic writing.

Keep working on softening and blending. He’s partnering with you in his wise self. The burden that held and affected him is not there at all. He shows me images of heaviness, but it no longer impacts him. He is light and vibrant. He is encouraging this fluid experience with movement, vibration, and fluidity. Play with toning, nothing fancy. It will help with the merging and connecting. There's a beautiful rhythm with it—try to explore that. It's an access point for him—reverberating and vibration—let yourself feel into that intuitively. He says that vibration and toning are access points, and he would like to meet you there to share in that space.

There are suddenly many others in the room. Someone with a D name is with him (Dawnie?), and now it goes to Jade, who is male. Is there a male in body with that name? (Jaden!) He says hi to Jaden, and now we are moving on to your dad—he's close by. A dog spirit is here. This is no ordinary dog; he’s so special, your soul partner, and he has access to you. Hunter has him. There's another dog . . . we'll come back to that one. This soul dog was always close—sweetness and closeness—and he had an intuitiveness you shared. Hunter feels a connection to him as well. This dog was able to understand your heart, feel, and sense in such an intuitive way. He is precious and deep. Did you communicate with him? Hunter communicates with and through him. There's another dog with a deeper orange—somehow not connected to Hunter. A deep red dog? This one is darker, brownish red. Her name starts with a G. Hunter shows me that it's far away or not a dog he knew.

Me: Gracie! Amy's soul dog—she died before we got together.

Ann: Yes! That makes sense. Hunter wouldn't let it go. It was important enough to try to figure it out. He kept me on it: “They need to know we have access to one another, we are here with each other, the space between us is not far—these amazing beings are interwoven with us all the time.” Hunter and Gracie are absolutely connected.

Now Hunter shows me how much he loved his life. He shows me the looping that happened inside his brain that wouldn't let go. He loved his life. He shows me all these incredible experiences, one after the other after the other. This was a full life, so much packed in, and he's sorry about the looping, which created overwhelming bodily sensations. He would have pain in his body and anxious thoughts. This looping was the entrapment because he couldn't figure out how to attune to the part of him that was vibrant, free, and knowing. That is his true nature. He is so vibrant, yet he would get caught up in this looping, which was like a trap for him. The anxiety that would arise as a result of the looping was intolerable—he would do just about anything to try to quiet it. This is what happened with him leaving his body. He was trying to calm the looping by self-medicating.

He wants to communicate that he didn't want to hurt anyone and wished he could have found stillness inside. He has it now. He's back to his true self now, and it's really different. He's encouraging you to meet him there in that other place, who he is now, who he always was—it was challenging for him to be part of this world. So your dad has passed, yes?

Me: Yes.

Ann: There’s something about your dad. They’re laughing at how I will try to translate this, so bear with me. Hunter and your dad philosophize together. They’re connected. There’s a soul bond. They have soul history. They didn’t know one another, did they?

Me: That’s right, they never met.

Ann: They know each other now. They’re connected on a soul level; they’ve had journeys together and are so close. The only way I can explain it is that they philosophize and talk about energy together. I’m trying to describe the essence of how they spend time together. They go places that are fascinating and exciting. There’s an adventurous spirit that happens when they both connect. And so much love. There’s something about this thriving. Your mom passed too?

Me: Yes.

Ann: There’s something adventurous that your dad keeps wanting me to articulate.

Me: He explored consciousness; that’s where he was an adventurer.

Ann: Yes, that’s a great word to describe what I see here. There’s this excitement with energy and possibility. Your dad wants to discuss how our perception of reality is so malleable. It’s like there’s reality and reality and reality all stacked on top of each other. He’s encouraging you to play with that more, that it’s meant to be interactive, this experience of reality. He’s jazzed to talk about this. Know that he’s a great partner. He’s very interested in the embodiment of the knowledge that realities are not as solid as we think. And that it’s just so simple. It’s just a slight adjustment, and there’s another reality or dimension. He’s so vibrant with this.

Me: It’s like he has a partner in crime with Hunter being there with him.

Ann: Yes, he does! They meet on this level and love communicating. They have fun; it gets all crackling between them. Your mom is also here, and she keeps saying thank you. A graciousness between the two of you developed near the end of her life as things became more soul-to-soul and heart to heart. She’s bowing deep, thanking you. Please know that while she’s quieter than the others, there’s a peacefulness about her. She doesn’t want to step in or intrude in any way.

Me: Shocking! That’s my life story with her. She never wanted to be intrusive.

Ann: That’s funny because she and Hunter were laughing about that. Yeah, and so she’s different now. Before, her thoughts would get intense, and she would have an idea of how it needed to go; it’s not like that now. You will love her. She is beautiful and gentle. It’s like she finally got it. That’s what she keeps saying. She got it. She got the grace, she got the gentleness, she got that exhale of letting it be.

Hunter is back. They’re talking about everything you do, Luna. It’s all expressions that they show me. What they show me are colors and painting. They’re encouraging creativity. But then there's something about dance that your dad keeps bringing up. They’re saying there's a trajectory here for a book or books, but they're saying to walk through it without the idea of producing something.

Me: Hunter told me that exact thing. He said, “Write, Mom, don’t worry about the rest.”

Ann: There you go, that’s it. You got it. You hear it. You hear him. Yay! Take this at a certain rhythm. Let it evolve, and don’t edit yourself. Let the process take you, and there will be natural evolution. This book is needed. It’s valuable. And there's a trajectory here for moving out into the world. There’s a fluidity and rhythm to it.

Your dad is going back to dancing. It is life-giving and soul-opening. There’s a cycle within the thinking mind that reevaluates things, and it can be pretty sharp. Hunter is encouraging you to train the brain to go to the fluidity because that’s what's real. He needs you to know that he felt a wealth of life experience. He felt loved. There was no question about this love and unity. He had an amazing circle of support that you cultivated for him, and he thanks you. This is where my translation is not even half of it because he floods me with this emotion of how beautiful the love is in his life. He’s bringing Amy in too. The love you showed him, the grace you showed him. There was so much love and an incredible community of women.

It’s okay that he battled. He wants me to share with you that it’s okay. It was not a battle out of something missing or a lack of feeling that core of love. It was never that. It wasn’t out of a lack. We move through these experiences in life, grow, and learn from them. Our thinking mind will say that there’s something off in that battling, that something went wrong. But there wasn’t. It was just his dance this time around. He struggled with it; he battled the container of his body; he battled life. It’s that experience between battling and letting go. Even numbing out—he goes back to what your dad was talking about with that slight thought adjustment; that’s all that was needed, and he wouldn’t have had to numb out. But there was value in those experiences for him as well. He was looking for ways to integrate the feeling of expansiveness. He somehow couldn’t access it very easily from the inside. He did touch it occasionally. He keeps encouraging you not to let the thinking mind tell you false stories that something was missing or lacking because there wasn’t.

Now he’s talking about the one who wasn’t born. He’s bringing this one in, this one who didn’t fully come into body. Do you understand that?

Me: Yes, I had an abortion.

Ann: It’s like there was an agreement between that soul and Hunter. It feels like a dance to me. What he’s trying to guide us towards is knowing the rightness of everything. The rhythm of everything. There’s never a loss; there’s never anything missing because it’s all right here. He wants you to know that this girl’s spirit is with him. In fact, there is a strong connection. The way that I would describe the two is they are twin flames. The two of them are a part of an essence together. Words never do it right. But they’re part of the same, part of a similar soul. And then it’s like all of it falls into place. Was it a long time ago that this one didn’t come in?

Me: I was sixteen.

Ann: Ah, yes. They are a part of the same. There are such similarities and yet wanting different experiences too. This being is connected to you still. She’s close, right here. There’s so much sweetness in this connection—a beautiful communication that happens. You’re gifted at communication. The togetherness is all still right there. They want you to know there isn’t an ending or a beginning. It just changes form. It shapeshifts a little bit. It’s all right there. Okay, that’s what I’ve got for now. Thank you so much!