Noticing Subtle Shifts
March 26, 2021
Dear Hunter,
I struggle to find words as I attempt to integrate my experience in Jamaica. Although I’m healthy, eating is difficult. I don’t want to plan. I don’t want to cook. I have to force myself to move my body. It was so easy in Jamaica—so much swimming and walking—and now the only thing that works is to play music that I can’t resist dancing to and reluctantly move my way out of my stupor.
I have no interest in casual conversation. There are a few people I spend time with, but mostly, I want to be alone. I feel more loving towards myself—grateful for how I’ve supported and nourished myself these past six months. Writing is a wellspring that shows me a great deal about what I’m feeling, what I’m processing, and what matters most right now. I access my emotions through writing, along with a greater awareness of when a word or phrase is hitting the mark because I have a visceral reaction. For example, when editing the poem “The Gift,” I had written, “‘Let it go,’ then I heard Hunter say. ‘Let ME go,’ and I burst into tears. That connection between my emotions and my writing voice felt like a clear and open channel at that moment.
The psilocybin journey opened my intuition. I’m rock solid in my financial coaching and have more access to intuition as I work with clients. I feel clearer about how I want to show up regarding my business, and I’m curious about becoming a psychedelic guide. Where might that take me? I’ve always loved leading groups and have taught process painting, personal growth, ceremonial and financial retreats for over thirty years. How might becoming a guide allow me to utilize my background to serve other grieving parents? My question is about timing. What do I need to do to prepare to be a guide? When will I be ready? How do I continue to honor my healing process and move in this direction?
I feel grounded in my relationship with spirit. Your death has deepened this connection and changed how I pray. I used to pray for outcomes (abundance, resolution to conflicts, health, etc.), and now, I pray to make it through the day. I ask for your guidance and listen more than I petition. At this point, my practice is not connected to a specific community/religion, though I sometimes long for it. I’m devoted to morning meditation and chanting (thirty to forty-five minutes daily) and yoga (thirty minutes). Since returning from Jamaica, I’m aware of greater stillness in my body and spirit, though I haven’t had as many experiences of feeling connected to you. It’s almost like you are part of me rather than out there somewhere.
I love being alone and crave time in nature by myself. With Covid restrictions still limiting us, it’s hard to say how I will be with community gatherings. I have shied away from Zoom calls with family and my women’s circle after the experience over Thanksgiving that left me feeling alone and angry. I’m open to a meeting scheduled next week with a circle of high school friends (we have been meeting annually for over three decades), though I feel anxious about it. They seem to have heard me when I said I couldn’t hang out on the surface with chit-chat, nor can they expect me to plunge into the depths of my feelings without an experience that it’s safe to share with them. My therapist suggested I lead with one of my poems to drop into a deeper conversation, so I will take a deep breath and do that. Scares the shit out of me.
Integration is a journey in and of itself!
Love you,
Mama
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